When the answer is still no...

I've tried three times.

And each time, my offer continues to be refused. 

We are an Amazon family. We support local small businesses whenever possible and try to do the same with our online shopping, even on Amazon. We order from Amazon regularly and typically receive 1-2 packages weekly. 

Before and after Christmas Day, as a small show of appreciation for the careful handling of our packages, I put an envelope on the front porch doorbell addressed to our Amazon delivery driver. Inside was a Christmas card and a gift card to Starbucks. 

Three deliveries, three times that envelope has stayed taped to the doorbell. 

Maybe Amazon delivery drivers aren't allowed to accept gifts?

I searched online for an answer and saw nothing prohibiting them from receiving a gift from a family.

So what gives?

While visiting with one of my brothers at Christmas, we talked about how our mom was doing and what her future looked like. 

With dementia, there are at least two parts of the brain that are actively dying. Our mom has deficits and active cell death in more than two: 

• The hippocampus which helps her form new memories or learn new information

• The temporal lobe because she has problems with semantic memory and language and struggles to find the right word for something.

• The frontal lobe because she can no longer organize or plan tasks, drive, or maneuver well in unfamiliar areas.

• The parietal lobe because she has problems with judging distances, navigating stairs, and her visual perception.

Because of the death of cells in these areas, the symptoms of dementia she experiences will never improve. 

The chances are pretty slim that she'll recognize me as her daughter instead of her sister the next time I see her. Or to know her youngest male child as her son instead of a cousin.

The chances are slim for her to regain the ability to dress, toilet, or bathe herself.

The chances are pretty much null. 

It makes us angry. It makes us fear that we could experience the same. It makes us wish she had cancer instead. It may be a morbid thought, but at least with cancer, Mom would still be Mom.  

So, we've had to accept that the answer for us to have "our Mom" back will continue to be "no."

But, I recently found a silver lining in a "no" involving my freelance journey. 

For the past year, I've treated myself like a "worker bee," feeling at the mercy of whoever will take pity on me and occasionally toss me a crumb of a job. 

I've not set my mind on an empowering pattern of success, with the confidence that my years of knowledge and expertise have a high level of value. 

I've been seeing myself as "Beggar Susan."

And I think it's well past time to change this. 

To tell Beggar Susan NO once and for all.

This is how I have appeared to myself since I started this journey.

Instead, I will focus on this new image of myself as I start manifesting a new version of Susan for 2024.

I think the next delivery we're scheduled to receive, I will stand by the door, watch the delivery progress on the app, and hand the card to our driver. 

And not take no for an answer.